As most you that read the blog know, I am a sucker for Good Food, Stiff Drinks and Fast Women. Not in any particular order. (PS This is NOT The Weekly Flyer. This is the Captain speaking. The rambling, incoherent drivel contained in the post below, may or may not offend you, but is guaranteed to be more entertaining than 81.57% of the blogs on boarding area.)

Dear United Airlines,

I wanted to take a moment and thank you for the Mileage Plus booty call that I found in my inbox on Tuesday evening.

I must admit that at first I was a little shocked to hear from you considering it had been a year since our month long fling last summer. I’m sorry that it ended the way it did but as Drake would say, you were simply a “Side Piece”. At first I felt a little sorry for you. I thought about how desperate and intoxicated you must be to come back to someone who clearly just used and abused you. Your status match offer in 2013 was like the lonely blonde at the Hilton Bar that strikes up a conversation about nothing….An invitation to hit it and quit it. I rode those free upgrades for a month and then went back to my old lady. But now, out of the blue, you were back for some more of the Captain. This time around it would be easier as we already have a feel for each other. I know your systems and you know my destinations. No foreplay required.

I had the whole thing planned out in my head on when and where our reconnection would occur. The back half of my year was wide open as the misses would be satisfied with all of the attention she’d receive through the end of August. You and I could spend all of September, October, November and December together. Johannesburg, Delhi, Frankfurt, Panama City, Medellin, Dubai… The options were endless…..and then I read the T&C and realized that I had been punked.

I realize that you have been dumped over and over and over again since you decided to live with your Ugly Stepsister from Houston. All of her bad habits rubbing off on you like slop on a pig. United Airlines you are but a mere shell of your former self but this was even low for you.  E Class and above? No Multi City? Sorry United, I don’t do booty calls with stipulations.

Glossary of Terms

Side Piece = United Airlines

Old Lady = American Airlines

Ugly Stepsister = Continental Airlines

The Captain is an American Airlines Ex Platinum, whose work as an Export Manger, takes him to places far and many times remote. From Guyana to Palestine to UAE to Trinidad and everywhere in between, he loves to dive head first into the local culture though food, music, politics and traditions. Boarding Area readers will be able to take the magical journey, along with the Captain, through his words and pictures on Points, Miles and Martinis.